Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Seneca greets his Lucilius:

You have sent a letter to someone else, but asked me to read it, just as if it were written to me. I not only read it through, but I have studied it carefully. You understand, of course, that a letter is a conversation with an absent friend. The very fact that it gives us the feeling of being with the person to whom we are writing makes it more intimate than speech itself.

But regarding this other letter of yours—you have laid bare your heart to your friend, and indeed you should have nothing to hide from him. But there is something I must tell you: when friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment. Those persons indeed put last first and confound their duties who judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him their friend after they have judged him.

Think long before you admit a man to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with your whole heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as you would with yourself. You need not keep back any of your secrets from a friend, but first make sure that he is a friend.

Many men share their perils with one who is a stranger to them, and tell their secrets to one whom they have only just met. Some men are talkative when in their cups, and disclose every secret in the presence of a company of drinkers. What folly this is—to regard everyone as a friend to whom you do not venture to be hostile!

The deep and sacred intimacy of true friendship calls for some time to mature, like wine that improves with age. Time tests the sincerity of friendship. I do not think that men can ever be intimate friends if they have not been angry with each other at least once. A friendship that cannot bear a strain was never worth the having.

But let me return to the advice which I was giving you. Do not speak of your affairs to everyone, but only to those who can be trusted. Even among these, be sparing with your confidences. The person who tells his secrets to one who is not his friend makes an enemy of a friend, but the person who tells no secrets to his friend robs himself of his friend’s loyalty.

Accordingly, my dear Lucilius, mark what I say: every new friend should be gained without the loss of an old one. Let your friendships be graded. Some intimate friends should know all your affairs; others should know only what you choose to tell them; still others should be acquainted with you in a general way.

You can speak confidentially with a man only when you would not be afraid to speak thus in the presence of your enemy. There is, to be sure, a higher law than this; I mean, that you should say nothing even to a friend which you would not want your enemy to hear. But people are talkative, and a single word has often ruined the most cautious man.

Remember this: he who would keep a friend should himself be one. You must show yourself friendly to gain a friend. The ties of friendship are most sacred when they bind men of similar tastes and character. Cling to those who are like you in their way of thinking.

But you should offer friendship to others, not wait for others to offer it to you. The man who makes friends easily is like the man who falls in love quickly—both are unwise. True affection, like true friendship, comes slowly and grows stronger with time.

Some friendships are like certain wines—pleasant at first taste, but harsh when you try to drain the cup. Others improve the more you test them. Choose friends as you would choose wine—not by the brightness of the label, but by what you find when you have thoroughly sampled the contents.

Above all, remember that you can make no greater mistake than to be ashamed of your friend. If you find that you are ashamed of him, he is not worthy to be called your friend. If you are worthy to be called his friend, you should not be ashamed of him.

There are some men who become friends at first sight, as there are others who never become friends at all, no matter how long they know each other. The best friendships are those that develop gradually, tested by time and adversity.

I close with this thought: friendship is the only thing in the world concerning the usefulness of which all mankind is agreed. Even virtue itself is not so universally approved. Some men fear virtue, others find it too difficult. But every man seeks friends, though not every man deserves them.

Vale.